The Musings of an Almost Murderer
by tic tac toe 03
Summary: Padfoot's thoughts about what he did to Snape, Moony, Prongs and Wormtail after the fatal full moon where Snape and James nearly died and Remus' secret was betrayed. Disclaimer: I own nothing apart from the story.


Musings of an almost murderer

**Musings of an almost murderer**

All my life I've let people down. My family, I became a Gryffindor, ignored their opinions on the thoughts on muggles and half-breeds. So much so that they blasted me off the tree and refused to speak to me.

I believe I did right, I know I did but it's hard. Their my family and no matter how much I pretended to my friends I still love them and wish they loved me and believed what I believed.

But they don't. So I found my own family. A family made up of brothers. Brothers who would always be there for each other. But I screwed that up. It seems I am made for screwing things up. All my life, that's all I've ever done. Just when things are going right, I screw them up. It's always me. No one else, no not even Peter, is that stupid to do that.

I can't believe I did that. I betrayed my friends and myself. I told him. No one else. It's all my fault.

I betrayed Moony in a way that is unimaginable to you who would go to the end of the earth for your friends. I almost killed him, almost let him kill someone and almost expelled him from the only happiness he's ever known. I did that.

I almost killed Prongs, my brother by everything but blood. After everything he's done for me, letting me stay with him after running away form home, covering for me when I should be in trouble. He's person who knows me better than I know myself. But not now. He can't even look at me, never mind being in the same room as me.

Wormtail. He's never been good with shocks, had so many nervous breakdowns. And I gave him another. It's his worst one and I did that to him.

All three of them are in the hospital wing. And it's all my fault. They could die. I don't know what I'd do if they died. It's bad enough when someone you know dies but knowing you killed them. I think I'd take the fastest route to hell, off the Astronomy tower.

Maybe Snape was right. Maybe I am dark. Capable of things only dark wizards can do. But I don't want to be dark. I am not dark. No but what I did there was a thing only a dark wizard can do. I don't want to be dark.

At the start of this year Dumbledore asked all of us to come and speak to him. He told us that we would be going through tough times and that we could speak to him whenever we needed to. But I can't. This had nothing to do with Voldemort and everything to do with me. He can't give any comfort. All he would say is a load of deep meaningful stuff about love.

Love. I thought I loved them like brothers but obviously I don't. If I did then I wouldn't have done what I did. I thought I knew myself. But I don't anymore, or maybe I never did. Maybe I should go back to the Ancient and Noble House of Black. What I did is the type of thing Bellatrix would have done. Maybe I am suited to living with them. I don't want to go back. I can't go back. I should but I can't.

Can't is not a word McGonagall always tells us. Prongs and I would reply something about the fact that it really isn't and how it's can and not but together. She would then shake her head, give us detention and try not to laugh. Moony would roll his eyes and pretend not to know us. Wormtail would look confused and ask Moony what the hell we were talking about. Never again will we do that again. Never again will we sit together, plan pranks together, laugh together, smile together, eat together, go out at full moon together. Four will go to three. It's my fault. I don't blame anyone else. It's my fault.

_**I don't know what you thought. Personally I didn't like it that much, I thought it was to repetitive but please let me know what you thought. I was planning on it being a oneshot but please let me know if you think it should be longer. So to tell me what you thought and how long it should be you need to read and review!! **_

_**Tac **_


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